things to remind yourself

"Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish." 

                                                                                              - Herman Hesse

There’s a shortness of breath when I think about writing in this blog. A slight palpitation of the heart that asks “Do you really want to say this?” And if you’re one of the few people that really know me well, you’ll know that I’m very good at avoiding questions that I don’t want to answer. Maybe it’s not even that I am good at avoiding questions, but just that I’m stubborn enough to keep them at bay.

I guess that is one of the reasons for having this blog. My attempt to deal with the questions I ask myself and choose not to answer. A way to analyze snapshots that have remained with me over the years, and figure out how they factor into who I am today. And hopefully, through this, I can put into words what others wish to say but don’t know how.

So I say to myself…

Be honest. Be hard on yourself. Feel foolish. Tell them everything. Tell them sometimes you’re afraid that the reason why you’re so critical of people is because that which you dislike in others you also see in yourself, and you like them that much less because of it. Tell them you’re a better friend than a boyfriend.

You probably should tell that one girl you dated for nearly two years that she never should have put up with you and the way that you were, and admit to yourself that she’s glad that she’s not anymore. But you should also tell yourself that you shouldn’t have put up with that other girl you dated, and remind yourself that you’re also glad that you’re not anymore.

Realize that sometimes it’s hard to say what you mean, and remind yourself that it’s easier to say if you don’t think about it. And remember that one of the worst things you can do is to not mean what you do say.

                Recall that one day in elementary school when you were on the swing set by yourself, the time when you thought you were going higher than you ever had. The same time that the older kids behind you saw that you were wearing tighty whiteies, them being cooler and older and having upgraded to boxers, and the way they made fun of you to the point where you jumped off the swing to run away.

                Remember how you felt when you went home that night, and told your mom that it was time to wear boxers and that same week, you went to school with a brand new pair.

But most importantly, remember the feeling. That smirk on your face when you got back on the swing in your new pair of boxers and you were the only one on the whole playground that knew. You were the only kid on the playground that knew you still had tighty whiteies under your boxers. Remember that, and you’ll always be yourself.